July 11, 2016
So, this happened to me today. I don’t even know who Jennifer Ashley is. Not sure what song I heard that would prompt such an affront to my recommendations from Google Play. Not happy Google. Not happy.
Innyway, this episode is best told in pictures. Because it has to be seen to be believed!
No previouslies, so you know it’s jampacked!
Lucas’s voiceover blathers on about some quote about happiness that probably twists itself to be sadness. I really can’t keep up…
Whoa, Nathan can’t believe his eyes, it’s Hot Uncle Coop! Uncle Cooper is Deb’s little brother. He is here to give Nathan some perspective or some such nonsense. New character! Not entirely useless.
NOT a real scenario. But let’s go with it. Lucas goes into his room at Casa de Squints to put the bag of shredded paper in his closet. Brooke’s all, mkay. They talk about how Peyton isn’t doing that well. Schuyler Fisk is Sissy Spacek’s daughter.
We all know what Karen is seeing right now! Dan goes to “audit” Andy’s class. He gives an ethics scenario in which a professor is sleeping with a student and said student is getting an A. Andy tells him to leave, but he knows that Dan has won this round. Drats!
Whoa, the creator himself. This is going to be storytelling gold! Or, you know, a story that has no basis in reality. Tomato tomahto.
Notice the tiny car driving on the track. It’s IMPORTANT! That’s Coop’s race car. Apparently, he’s a race car driver.
The guys get to meet Jeff Burton. He’s a real life race car driver. That’s his car! They go meet Coop’s pit boss, Ray Green, played by Chris Potter who is looking might fine! But wait, if that’s not him driving Coop’s race car, then who is? Oh, it’s Daytona Green, played by Schulyer Fisk. OMG, a girl can drive. You go, Daytona! She and Nathan knew each other as kids, they hug. Everyone is having a good time!
Meanwhile, Deb gets out her prescription meds that she has for no reason and that’s what she’s going to do with her day. But then she has second thoughts and wonders if that’s really what she wants to do with her day. Does she take them? I guess yes.
Lucas is introduced to Daytona’s brother. He’s obvy a tool. Lucas introduces himself as Nathan’s brother. That makes little Green think that his mother is Deb’s sister. Now, that would make them cousins dum dum. Lucas is all, No, we have the same father. Coop feels bad for putting Lucas in that situation so he takes him over to sit in a race car. Lucas thinks it is so cool! Then the unthinkable happens. Uncle Coop says they can have a crash course lesson on racing and the track today and race tomorrow. Whaaat? The KIDS are super pumped.
So Moira Kelly has this awesome conversation with herself. It’s really great. Karen is at TRIC and is telling Andy on the phone that Dan can’t keep getting away with being a bully. She was going to be careful how she broke the Jules news to Deb, but now she hopes Deb trounces Dan. Peyton and Brooke walk in and sit down. Karen and Brooke have decided to spend the day with Peyton so she can cheer up about Jake. Peyton thinks it’s ok to be sad and dark. Ugh. In walks Deb who has officially lost it and is now fully transitioned into Breastesses Boobs. She’s decided she’s going to look at the bright side of life from now on. Karen just bluntly puts that Dan paid Jules to fall for Keith. BB says screw it, life sucks, she’s going to have a drink!
They all go around the table saying who they miss except Brooke, she just misses having lots of money. BB rhetorically asks if they know what always cheers her up. Brooke thinks it’s drinking alcohol. BB says no it’s dancing! BB puts on some music and starts dancing and Peyton can’t even…The following slides are brought to you by Citizen Cope’s Son’s Gonna Rise.
All the ladies start dancing. Meanwhile, their sons are being driven around by a crazy person! She has them pretty scared and having a good time. Haha.
Oops, we’re now getting slow-mo and overlaps up in this piece. This goes on and on. Andy walks in and can’t believe his lucky stars. The music starts to fade out and Karen goes up to Andy to see what he wants. He tells her that he has to meet with the Dean tonight because a student reported their relationship. Karen is worried.
Darkness has settled in and Daytona has a camp setup in the middle of the track or whatever. IDK, none of this is real. Innyway, she wants to play a song for the guys. They tell her to play whatever. She starts to sing Ryan Adams’s When the Stars Go Blue. Yeah, that song. Nathan is not happy and Lucas is all, ruh roh. Nathan skedaddles and Daytona’s all, What? Lucas tells her it’s a Haley thing. Daytona wishes she could make Nathan feel better. That’s what she said. Huh? Lucas asks about how Nathan was as a kid. She says before basketball Nathan was sweet and kind. Awww. Sorry, his heart belongs to Haley. Always and FOREVER!
Brooke drops BB off at Casa de Scott. She offers to walk her inside, but BB declines. She’ll be fine. Brooke drives away and BB is overwhelmed by her mansion. I believe she too wonders if it gets bigger every friggin time she sees it.
Brooke goes to pick up FP in an alley. Ew. She’s all, whoa, you’re drunk. Of course he isn’t really. He’s just abusing the system to hang out with Brooke. She tells him to get in the front seat. Later they go pick up Erica Marsh who may or may not have been raped. I’m guessing not since it’s never brought up again. In any case, she did have an uncomfortable experience with some guys at a party so she removed herself from the situation.
Karen goes to see Andy in his classroom after hours. He tells her that the Dean put forth an ultimatum so he chose the quit part. Karen says he loves teaching though. He says not as much as he loves her. Awwww! He says that there will be other teaching jobs but he hopes there will never be another woman in his life. Awwww! Awwww! <–That’s a double Awww! They smooch.
Coop and Nathan have a heart to heart. Coop tells Nathan about his ex wife and that he had a hard time dealing with the fact that she wanted more than just him. But then he realizes also that he would never give up racing for her. Nathan says he basically gave up basketball for Haley. EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T HAVE TO! UGH! Coop points out that maybe that’s part of Haley’s problem. Maybe Nathan became someone different and it wasn’t the person Haley fell in love with. Makes senseish. Nathan asks Coop how he moved on from the heartache of his split. Coop tells him one day it gets easier and the next day it could suck some more, but a good therapy is going 200 mph. Yeah, that’s a great thing to tell your depressed teenaged nephew that you plan on letting race in a real race car tomorrow! Dum dum. It’s all well and good until it gets serious again and he tells Nathan that the toughest question is whether or not what he thought was true love was actually true love. Nathan gets really sad again. SPOILER ALERT: It’s true love.
Dan walks into his office at the dealership to find a tiny man sitting in his chair. He says how do you do tiny man, please remove your tiny man self from my chair. Andy plays all tough and they have a conversation about Karma. Dan doesn’t believe in it, but Andy does. He thinks people who don’t live right always get what’s coming to them. And it ain’t going to be pretty. Dan pretends to offer Andy a job, but Andy just pshaws him. Dan is not intimidated by him really and Andy is not intimidated by Dan. Stalemate.
Peyton has this address book journal. She rips out Anna’s page (poor Anna), Haley’s page, and Keith’s page. She does not rip out Jake’s page even though his will never be useful again! Well, none of those pages will really. They’d all have to be updated anyway so it’s no real bigs that she rips them out. It’s the drama of it all though. Innywho, Brooke and Erica and FP are walking around after they got something to eat. Brooke’s gotta get back to her shift and Erica’s going to walk the rest of the way home. She asks FP to join her. He asks Brooke if that’s ok. Brooke is all, YES, PLEASE GO WITH ERICA. He does. He walks her home. She likes him. Blargh! Peyton calls Brooke so she too can abuse the system and hang. But I’m cool with that. Awww!
Not even Dan can believe what he sees. Oddly, he didn’t see her when he got home last night, but whatevs. He turns the sprinkler on to be mean, but she actually likes it, so.
It’s race time! Ray, looking mighty fine, tells them that they can’t go above the 7 on the speedometer thingy. He says some other stuff. Some trash talking goes on between the racers and they’re off! They have a pretty fun race. Nathan does really well and might win, but Coop’s a pro, so he wins. Yeah, couldn’t let his depressed nephew have this one.
The race is over, but Nathan doesn’t stop his car. Ray tells him that he is breaking all sorts of rules. Lucas is confused and worried. Cooper runs up to the podium thing to tell Nathan to slow down and come back in and stop. Nathan says he’s going to partake in some of the 200 mph therapy. Cooper yells for him to come back. Nathan goes to the 8!
He starts to have all sorts of random flashbacks of Haley. Well, not so random, just flashbacks of Haley. He gets confused though because those last two he wasn’t even there for! He freaks out at his sudden ESP and…
Crashes the car. He hits the walls but good. Everyone runs to the burning car. No one brings a fire extinguisher! Coop and Lucas discover that fire is hot. They manage to pull Nathan out anyway.
They get him to the ER. Nathan wants Lucas to promise him something. Lucas says, Anything! Nathan says not to call Haley. Lucas gives anything but I won’t do that face.
Meanwhile over at Casa de Scott, Deb and Dan have a the craziest conversation. Cartoon villainy, really. He walks in and she can’t even stand the sight of him. He asks what she’s up to. She’s boiling water to throw on him. He wants to know why she’s putting syrup in it. She says so it will stick to him. Haha. He notices that her bags are packed and challenges her trying to leave again. She says that she prayed he’d die of his heart attack and that’s the kind of person he’s turned her into. She says that if she doesn’t leave one of them is going to die soon. Huh? Thankfully, the phone rings and she asks it, What? Then she gets serious.
The doctor tells them that Nathan has all sorts of problems caused by a car wreck. Coop and Lucas are all like, Dude, doc, you said you were gonna leave that part out! The doc says something sciencey about Nathan’s rare blood, but no worries, Deb’s blood is the same. Dan wants to murder Coop!
I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning…turn around Bright Eyes, it’s Coach Whitey in Gloom Town! He tells Peyton that he took Jenny somewhere in Florida and Jake wants her to know that Jenny is ok. She says he doesn’t want to see her anymore because it’s too hard. Whitey says some nonesense about how Peyton misses her mom and he misses Camila, but Jake misses both the women he loves. What? Like, what?
The doc in fine One Tree Hill fashion blurts out private medical information for anyone to hear. He asks Deb how long she’s been abusing narcotics. Her blood was unusable, but luckily they happened to have some of this rare blood stuff on hand so they didn’t need hers anyway. Dan wants to stab Deb. Oh look, it’s Brooke coming to see Lucas. They hug and he has sad I wish I could cry but this will have to do face. Dan asks Deb when she started using. She says when she quit her job. He asks why. She says because she’s married to him. Burn. Crazy people. Dan goes to pick a fight with Coop. He really would like to murder him, but Andy comes up out of nowhere and is all, Not today! He asks Dan about his Karma now. That’s not really fair though because Nathan shouldn’t be considered in that equation. Doesn’t seem right. Dan hates Andy. Then Dan looks at Karen all, Why do you tote around this little hobbit man, I love you dammit! face. Well, a girl can ‘ship Dan and Karen if she wants to!
Lucas and Daytona are trying to make sense of the wreck. Daytona seems to think that Nathan’s athlete instincts would have made him veer left away from the wall, not towards the wall. She’s just really confused and wonders if maybe Nathan bounced off the wall on purpose. Lucas’s voiceover then blathers on about some Stephen King quote regarding time taking stuff and turning it all into darkness. Not a shocking sentiment from SK. While he goes on and on about that, we see Brooke starting to piece together the shredded paper, Peyton going to sit outside the county jail, a Tree Hill police cruiser, and then Nathan in surgery. Roll credits.
This really was a SUPER JAMPACKED EPISODE!
Oh and by the by, this show no longer has any sort of foothold in reality. It just gets crazier from here. Can’t wait!
Until next time…tooda loos!